Here are five common — yet unhealthy — ways people measure their self-worth:
1. Your Appearance
Some people measure their self-worth by the numbers on a scale. Others determine their value by how much attention they can attract with their appearance. The media sends a message that “you’re only as good as you look,” and many marketing strategies target people’s insecurities over everything from weight gain to aging.
That’s not to say good looks don’t serve as an advantage in life; they certainly can. But a beautiful body or a handsome face won’t last forever, and hair loss, wrinkles, and a middle-age spread can feel catastrophic for someone whose self-worth depends on their physical appearance.
2. Your Net Worth
You likely know at least one person whose self-worth is measured by their income or material possessions. But people who measure their self-worth by their net worth may never feel “valuable enough.” And it’s not just wealthy people who define themselves by the size of their bank accounts — many people live beyond their means in an attempt to feel “good enough.” But going deep into debt to create a façade of wealth backfires in the end because while goods and services have monetary value, they don’t reflect your value as a human being.
3. Who You Know
There are several ways people depend on others to give them value. While one person may only feel good about herself when she’s in a relationship, someone else may feel as though name-dropping well-known people will gain the admiration from others he needs to feel good.
Some people only feel worthy when they can surround themselves with important people. A lengthy list of personal contacts and a busy social calendar help them feel valuable and important. But depending on other people to make you feel good is like chasing a moving target. You can’t control what other people think of you, and you certainly can’t please everyone all the time. You’ll never be able to receive enough praise and positive reinforcement to genuinely feel good about yourself.
4. What You Do
A career helps many people feel worthwhile. In fact, many people introduce themselves by saying what they do: “I’m a computer programmer,” or “I’m a lawyer.” Their job isn’t what they do — it’s who they are. Their career reinforces to them that they’re “somebody.” But basing your self-worth on your job title is a big risk. An economic downturn, unexpected shift in the job market, or a major health problem can put an end to your career and lead to a major identity crisis. Even a planned retirement may destroy your self-worth if your identity is tied to your job title. If you’ve always measured your self-worth by what you do, you won’t feel good about yourself when your career ends.
5. What You Achieve
Sometimes people want to be known solely for their achievement. That person who brags about her latest business success may only feel good when she talks about her accomplishments. Or an individual who just can’t stop beating himself for a mistake he made might struggle to move forward, because he didn’t achieve what he needed to feel good.
While it’s normal to feel proud of your accomplishments, basing your entire self-worth on your achievement is like building a house on an unsteady foundation. You’ll need to experience constant success to feel good about yourself — and that means you’ll likely avoid doing things where you could fail.
How to Feel Good About Who You Are
The way you choose to measure your worth affects the kind of life you’ll live. Use a measuring stick based on factors you can control — not the external events in your life.
When you know who you are — and you’re pleased with the person you’ve become — you’ll experience a sense of peace through life’s inevitable ups and downs. You’ll believe in yourself regardless of whether you’ve been fired, gone through a divorce, or failed to get a promotion.
Instead of chasing things that temporarily boost your self-esteem, measure your self-worth by who you are at your core. Behave according to your values and create a life of meaning and purpose.
Morin,2017. See Amy’s book @ http://amymorinlcsw.com/book/