Gottman Institute Relationships – Hurt Feelings
– hurt feelings in a marriage do not necessarily mean a person did something wrong to their partner
– it just means feelings got hurt & these feelings need to be managed (because all points of view are subjective & therefore valid)
– such as awareness of the need to acknowledge the other person’s feelings
– awareness of your partner’s past is also very important
[Remember William Faulkner, an American Author, – the past isn’t dead – it isn’t even past]
– awareness of each other’s triggers (moments of vulnerability in the past which escalate interactions in the present)
– marriages are full of “regrettable instances” (a term used by Gottman), but it is then what we may learn & how we may repair the situation – therefore:
– repair early & often (I.e. a “recovery conversation”)
– remember triggers/vulnerabilities from the past & respect them
Recovery Conversations take the form of:
1) I can see why your feelings got hurt.
2) That was not my intention and I am sorry it happened.
3) Your feelings matter to me.
Source: Wilk, 2017