5 Ways to Stop People Pleasing

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5 Ways to Stop People Pleasing

Summary:
– people pleasers rely on the approval of others to feel good about themselves;
– saying “no” makes them feel guilty, makes them worry others will think they are selfish, unreasonable or inconsiderate – often at the expense of their own Wellbeing & needs
– people pleasers often try to convince themselves that making others happy makes them happy
– 2016 neuroscience research contends this goes beyond habit & into “hardwiring”
– often leads to anxiety &/or depression
1) are you helping because it makes you feel good or are you helping because you feel less bad? [if helping reinforces your values, then go for it; however,mid saying yes only helps you avoid guilt & will lead you to feeling over-burdened & resentful – then you are helping for the wrong reasons – people pleasing – recognising the difference is not being selfish, just honest]
2) let your values be the driver of your decisions (rather than: did someone ask me to do it?]
– 2013 happiness research
3) practice being assertive (it often feels like aggression to the people pleaser)
– it is not asking you to stop being nice or respectful
– rather it is asking you to leave behind doing whatever is asked of you to please others
– practice assertiveness incrementally (express an opinion; express disagreement with another while listening respectfully & asking for more information; say “no” to a ridiculous request without bending over backwards to meet the needs of others

remember:
– passivity doesn’t respect you
– aggression doesn’t respect others
– assertiveness lies in-between
4) setting boundaries doesn’t make you a bad person
– self-image hinges on every request
5) stop over-apologising
– people pleasers are always sorry
– it feels like it smooths over things with other people
– it is actually slightly dishonest to you & to others – it makes it seem unreasonable requests are actually reasonable

Source: Savvy Psychologist Podcast | 9 December 2016

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