When the Past (Your family past) Affects Your Relationship [Discussion with Dr David RICO, Psychotherapist] – the 5 As
– how you were raised by your parents affects what you seek in intimate relationships
– childhood moulds your relationships as an adult – information provides “enlightened living”
– 5 As exercise – how they received them from their father & mother
– when the past is present (in our intimate relationships)
– our first intimate relationships were with our parents
– we look ever after for what we missed out on, & live out ever-after the repetition of what we received
– we transfer onto the new adult some of the feelings, disappointments, excitements, desires, fears & expectations of our original care-givers
– in psychological parlance, this is called “transference”
– this is also used to describe the patient/psychiatrist/psychologist relationship
– this, Rico believes, happens in most relationships & is not just limited to therapy
– this is entirely unconscious; however, you can learn to be aware & catch yourself putting the face of your mother &/or father onto your partner
– this allows you to separate your parent needs from your adult needs
– we needed our parents in our early life to fully meet our needs 100% of the time
– our adult partners can never give us that much (100%) attention, appreciation, affection, allowing & acceptance [the 5 As] ********************
– the 5 As are our needs we carry with us all our lives
– in our adult lives, he contends we are supposed to be satisfied with a moderate dose of the 5 As which we legitimately expect in childhood
– where parents were abusing, neglectful, abandoning &/or inflicted trauma upon us, individuals transfer some of the anger & fear associated with those experiences onto our partner also
– he believes it is important that couples sit down & talk about how they might be carrying some of their past into the present
– of the 5As, he believes full acceptance (where we witness what is going on with the other person without judgment, making demands, or blaming the other) of one another is the most difficult thing to achieve within a relationship
– he believes it is certainly ok to ask for change through agreement (rather than blaming, trying to be right & gratifying your ego through the relationship (the focus is on yourself & your needs & therefore the other is always inadequate))
– he believes we notice the connection with other parents (&our childhood), & then as adults take responsibility & do things differently (including figuring it out) rather than blaming your parents
– take the 5As & ask each other how your mother showed you each of the 5As, & also do for your father. For e.g., this is how my mother showed me attention. [provide specific examples where you can][if not given to you – you would seek a partner that gives you what you didn’t get – you need the adult style, not the parental style.
– then the next step, is to talk as an adult. For e.g.
– This is the attention I am seeking as an adult. [Note: this may be new, a repeat, or the opposite][& this can be a source of further discussion – for e.g. Believing that the only people who love you are those who fuss over you like you received when a child]
– This is form of acceptance I am seeking now as an adult.
– affection (physical & appropriate)
– allowing (you to be who you are – the opposite of control)
10 Qs form the 5As exercise.
– tool to improve relationship
– show loving kindness in all our behaviour & to never retaliate when the other hurts you (except to say hat they did)
– find ways to accept the 5As in yourself & all that you have been through in te course of your life.
– live in this healthy way (showing loving kindness to yourself & all people)
Source: I Do Podcast | date – 3 Nov 2016