Peaceful Parenting

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Peaceful Parenting

Summary:
– Discussion with a sociologist who set up a Facebook page called “1 awesome dad” [Peaceful Parenting Community – an online group]
– Set it up because shaming and punishment style parenting was no longer working for him & many other parents
– Definition: It is non-violent; No physical punishment at all; It is also about having a peaceful attitude with your children; & having cooperative, non-combative relationship with the child(ren) – the idea is to work in partnership (as a team), rather than a “command & control model” which wants to “fix” & demand obedience; it is based on love & does not involve screaming at or making threats to the child – approach recognises that:
– parents are still the ultimate authority figure
– parents still have the wisdom gained from life experience
– there are cultural pressures on parents re their parenting & how their child’s behaviour “reflects on them” [obey & listen to you in public]
– there are internal pressures too – how you yourself were raised (& to re-parent ourselves is difficult too – particularly when we ourselves may have been punished ourselves by being spanked/hit, ignored etc., for something similar that we ourselves did as children)
– remember: This does not make your child a bad kid; You have your reasons for wanting to do it (i.e. parenting) differently – Step back and reconsider so as to not be in reactive/angry state – assess if you yourself as the parent need a “time out”
– You always discipline the behaviour not the person
– parents & the child(ren) will “screw up” & “not be perfect” – this is ok & to be expected
– the aim is always the same: a close, calm, connected relationship with the child
– The transition to peaceful parenting is not about perfection but the process and making progress – (& to not beat yourself up as the parent – this will help you be the best you can)
– he notes that sometimes all that is needed in a particularly difficult situation is a hug (connection not disconnection)
– the approach avoids the spanking debate & tries to advocate that it is not necessary
– boundaries can be set without using it
– reminders about what is / is not acceptable while empathising with the feelings the child is experiencing & which is driving the behaviour
– we are not denying feelings, but learning to manage them
[we do not want the child to feel shame; reject themselves or parts of themselves]
– argues to accept & be with the child for 10 mins/day – no criticism/critique of their attitudes
– parenting is not about “showing them who is boss” & making them “little representatives” of you
– confuses child: protection/safety & hitting them (mixed message) – even on extreme situations, you can physically intervene without striking to teach a lesson

Source: Therapy chat podcast Episode 48 | Podcast date: 2.09.16

[show notes: http://static1.squarespace.com/static/54b547bae4b0320a651b5ce0/t/57cdadce197aea06e48d2741/1473097166218/Therapy+Chat+Podcast+Episode+48.pdf%5D

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