Five ways to sabotage your marriage

5 Ways to Sabotage Your Marriage

1) lack of emotional intimacy (not the same as sex)
– feel safe & valued [not by being unpredictable, impulsive or impatient]
– it is built with consistency, thoughtfulness & patience
– need to provide evidence of being emotionally intimate with your spouse [informed by asking them what they need to feel important; have you told your spouse that you are interested in supporting their needs; when was the last time you told them that you were grateful to be their spouse; note: men can be emotionally intimate]
– treat your spouse the way they want to be treated – do not assume – ask
– there are many ways to say I love you
2) do not discuss chores
– watching TV while other spouse does house work – this makes the person feel disrespected
– get organised for long-term responsibilities – who does what household responsibilities that shares responsibility
3) financial responsibility
– live within your means | make choices & stick to it while achieving balance between work & life / the relationship
– discuss necessities – separate the wants & needs
– do budgets – do not make money a means of power & control
4) mistake disagreement for disrespect
– spouses need to agree to disagree agreeably
– no contempt or sarcasm
– watch pride / ego & the need to win
– show your spouse that they are more important than your “opinion”
– men need to watch the desire to “fix”
– people need to listen & demonstrate that you value their opinion – you do not have to agree
5) over-commit yourself
– you cannot say yes to everything & everyone
– fear & anxiety can drive you to say yes
– extinguish this by saying no to others so that there is time for your relationship
– agreeableness can be two-edged
– schedule time with your spouse – do not leave “left-overs” for each other
– achieve balance – set boundaries – establish priorities for your relationship
– be assertive, not aggressive or passive
– turn off the phone
– time for each other during the week

Note: this is not a comprehensive list, but rather a discussion starter

Source: PsychSessions Episode 5 | Podcast date: 19.11.13


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